Love Bombing: What it is and How to See It Coming
After coming home from a date, my housemates excitedly asked me how it went… yet I couldn’t muster up an answer. I couldn’t confidently say whether the date had been good because I felt so confused and overwhelmed by the whole experience. It was only when I had articulated my hesitation that my housemate told me I had been love bombed. Watch out, she said.
The reason I couldn’t come up with a definitive yes or no answer was because during the date I was so caught up in the physical presence of him, of the constant praise, that I myself had not evaluated whether I was having fun, if I actually liked him, or whether we genuinely got along. It was pure attraction from both sides, but so consistent that it felt like I had been swept up in a hurricane. I wasn’t aware of this, obviously, until I had left and was on my way home. I began to feel incredibly overwhelmed and slightly deflated: there were no butterflies of what ifs, there were no feelings of anticipation. Just a feeling of emptiness, like something that had been there was now gone, and I was all that was left. I felt panicked, like I had signed a contract that I couldn’t get out of: I felt trapped.
I had heard so many stories of love bombing yet had never actually experienced it before. It feels like somethings not quite right, but when you’re in the moment with that person, it is so easy to not realise what is going on. Who doesn’t feel good after constant affection and affirmations, after compliments and hugs and whispered nothings? It feels good, it feels promising, and regardless of whether you actually enjoy the others company, you want more. The oxytocin hit is addictive, and the oxytocin withdrawals really aren’t fun. The thing about love bombing is that it can very quickly turn toxic and manipulative. It can be used to control the other person in negative ways and easily develop into a cycle of emotional abuse. Like I said, oxytocin highs are addictive, and if someone is withholding affection from you, it becomes a game of what you are willing to do to get it back.
It becomes difficult to maintain personal boundaries as well, because you feel pressure to be as forthcoming as they are. Even after this first date, I felt myself bending certain boundaries because “oh they’re being really affectionate” or “this feels like a safe place because they keep telling me how much they like me.” I ended up sharing things I’d normally be uncomfortable sharing because they had been so open with me. I faked answers to prying questions because I knew if I answered honestly (yes, of course I’m talking to other people, and no I will not be deleting Hinge after one date) they would unfairly not be happy. Even as I write this down, I can see how far my boundaries have been pushed, and it’s upsetting to know that I didn’t see this happening in the moment.
So how can you tell if you’re being love bombed?
1. If it’s early in the dating stage and they’re coming out with impassioned “I think we’re meant to be together,” “I’m going to marry you one day,” “I already miss you” ya-di-yada, that’s a pretty clear sign they’re love bombing you. Think about it, they can’t possibly know you that well already, so what they’re saying is manipulative BS.
2. If they start asking you about exclusivity before you know they’re favourite colour or when their birthday is – run. They don’t want to be with only you, they just don’t want you to be with anyone else. It’s typical controlling behaviour hidden behind a “you’re the one.”
3. Following that: if they start to expect a lot more attention than you’re ready to give, chances are it’s to make sure you’re not talking to anyone else. Messaging you all throughout the day, sending you photos, needing swift replies back, and wanting to see you all the time. They want all of you, so that you can’t talk to anyone else.
4. They start to make comments about the future WAY too early on about marriage or what your kids will look like. This sounds ridiculous but it happens, it’s intense, overwhelming, and incredibly intimate for someone you barely even know.
5. Did they just say “soulmate?” Run.
6. You start to feel like you can’t answer their questions honestly for fear they will react badly. Whether that’s because they are asking questions that are too personal, or because they’re wanting to know if you’re still talking/seeing/sleeping with other people.
7. Trust your gut. If you feel overwhelmed or confused, then most likely something isn’t right. If you feel the relationship is moving way too fast, then it’s a sign that it is.
8. Lastly, if you’re friends are telling you, you are being love bombed, you most definitely (probably) are.
9. Sometimes they might even address it by saying something like, “You know I’m saying all this intense stuff, but I don’t really mean it.” Ironically, that’s the only true thing they will say. It’s true, they don’t mean it and the second you begin to believe them they will bail. 100% of the time.
The best thing for you to do in these situations, is remove yourself. Yes, it might feel nice to feel so loved and adored, but the brutal truth is, it’s not about you. They’re not obsessed with you, it’s the act of having power over someone. And if on the off chance they are actually obsessed with you, do you really want to be in a relationship with such a strong power imbalance? There is healthy admirations and then there is obsession. One is love, the other is infatuation. One is long lasting, the other is fleeting, overwhelming, all consuming, and most likely not real at all.
Oh, and one last thing, if it feels like you’re living in a romcom film (coincidental run-ins, expensive gifts, idealisation and dependency)... please just run. Romcoms are not reality.
Cover Photo by Anete Lusina. Edited by Madison Case.