You Got the Ick? Shame On You.
Okay, picture this: you’re out with a boy and everything is going well; you’re thinking “Damn, finally a decent guy making funny jokes and not drinking some weird pink drink out of a curly straw.” You don’t know this guy very well, so you’re just playing along, happy to be here; maybe planning your next drink, your next story, your next bathroom excuse. And then something happens. You notice his shoe and pant combo, or he stumbles a little as he walks to the bathroom, and just like that: you’ve got the ick. Alarm bells are ringing in your head as he leans in closer to you, trying to be flirty, but that train has well and truly left the station. All of a sudden, you’re making eye contact with the people in the bar thinking, “I am not with this man; this man is not with me!” Help, oh God, help.
Ladies and gentlemen and all those in between, I give you the ick. A ridiculous and (kind of) cruel newfound reason to stop dating someone. Now, I get it. I have suffered from the ick; I have stopped seeing someone because they walked funny, because they opened their eyes whilst they kissed me (C’mon man), and as I’ve mentioned in a previous article, because one guy spoke. About. His. School. Kids. The. Whole. Date. My excuse is that I was young and that there were other (arguably more important) underlying issues already present. Except for the teacher, to be fair. But let’s be honest, the ick is just an excuse to be petty and give in to our fantasies of finding “the one.” It offers us an easy way out of getting to know someone. I mean how easy is it to say, “Nah, I don’t like the way they hold their knife and fork,” over “They’re not meeting my unrealistically high expectations (chase me to the airport already).”
And am I going crazy or have icks been getting more and more unreasonable recently? A few years ago icks were things like “Oh, they speak to the waitstaff rudely” (valid) or, “They only ever talk about themselves” (egotistical and valid). The ick was a term that would describe fair, yet specific reasons to stop seeing someone, but now “the ick” has become as absurd and outlandish as it possibly could be. I have quite honestly heard someone exclaim they got the ick “Because he cut his finger and had to put a band-aid on.” Guys, really. I laughed out loud when I heard that reason and maybe it was only said for the entertainment of those around, but, this is what I am talking about: shame on us all for placing unfounded judgments on someone for something that is completely normal.
I am all for respecting yourself, setting boundaries and expecting to be treated right, but I think in this online dating world, where everything is based on looks, we as ‘singletons’ have become a little too picky. I mean, come on, saying no to someone because they tripped and embarrassed themselves—that is ridiculous!
But maybe that is what the foundation of the ick is. Maybe it is the second party embarrassment that we feel when we witness someone embarrassing themselves or acting in a way that, if it was us, would cause more than a little mortification. It is a moment, action, or a sequence of words that leave us cringing away, and that tiny, miniscule moment of squirming is enough to put us off. Second party embarrassment is a real and valid feeling, but it seems unfair to then place the consequences of that embarrassment on someone else. After all, you feeling embarrassed about someone else is unquestionably a “you” problem; in this instance “It’s me, not you” is the perfect expression.
Okay, this feels like we’re making progress… the ick is just us caring too much about what others think. Caring so much that we would rather not see a potential partner again for fear they may embarrass us? Wow. Vanity hath no limits.
Now that we are at a point where we recognize the ick is just us projecting our own insecurities onto potential partners, how do we get to a place where we don’t pick others apart when we start to feel insecure? That’s some serious introspection that we (myself included) are all going to have to do, in order to get there. I’m not suggesting that we can quit the ick cold turkey—it is going to keep popping up as much as we try to stop it. But maybe if we can recognise that the ick is more of a “me” problem, we can learn to stop letting the ick be an end-all for a relationship. Maybe the ick just becomes a little non-problem that we acknowledge and then move past. Or perhaps the ick will become an opportunity for self-reflection and growth (ask: Why am I feeling so insecure right now?). Wow, has the ick just transformed into a positive thing!?
As a side note: this reminds me of that anti-piracy ad they played in the early 2010s: “You wouldn’t steal a TV.” “You wouldn’t date a racist, you wouldn’t judge someone with a broken leg, so you wouldn’t let a minor hiccup stop you from seeing a cute guy.”
That’s all from me.
Cover Photo by cottonbro. Edited by Caitlin Andrews.